Different sides of the same monster…

As she laid their bleeding and partially naked I just watch her intensely. She doesn’t even cry anymore. She just stares at me with those amazing brown eyes to see if I’m finished. I really think she is building character here. Honestly it disgusts me but I don’t know how else to show her that i fear losing her. I remember one day we got really high. When i say really high i mean really high. Miguel’s amazing voice surrounded our barley functional vessels while we attempted to shower like normal people. Showering with two people was already extremely hard so imagine doing it insanely high. It’s practically suicidal. I remember placing my nose in her hair that defied gravity and smelled like raw unrefined shea butter. I remember her skin feeling like cotton against mine while it lit up like a golden candle from the bathroom light. She turned to face me and didn’t utter a word. I stared back because it was as if her being was demanding my attention. It always did. She is the shit. I could feel her presence from across the room. She is like a forbidden book. Mysterious, terrifying, knowledgeable yet very misunderstood. And beautiful. I can’t forget beautiful. Even standing pressed against her moist body didn’t make me feel as if i was close enough to her. I don’t think i could possible get as close to her as my heart desires. I leaned down and kissed her. I didn’t want to have sex with her again. I give her time to recover. I just wanted to appreciate her, taste her, and connect with her. But then before i know it she hopped out the shower. I didn’t think much of it at first because i thought maybe she was just done taking a shower. I remembered staying in there and continuing to bathe myself. I was in love with the scent of her because it doesn’t matter how many times i washed myself i still smelled like her. She marked her territory in the best way possible. Who doesn’t want to smell like their girlfriend vagina. Once i got out the bathroom i walked to the bedroom and she was dressed. Like completely. She had her coat on. Even her boots. All i could think was “What the fuck is going on here”.

Plus she knows how much I hate when she wears  shoes in “our” room. It honestly felt as if my world was ending. This is why I believe we were just a little too high. I walked over to her trying not to panic. I tried to unwrap her grey scarf from around her neck. I unzipped her coat while she continued to beg me to let her leave. I didn’t want her to go. I tried not to get angry. I just needed to show her how much I wanted her to stay. I just need to get these cloths off of her. She continued to fight me on it so i told her to at least let me get dressed. She practically stood up the whole time. She was very uneasy. I could feel it chilling my bones. I just wanted to know what it was that i did. I thought i was being a pretty good guy this day. Once i was done she rushed to the front door and was waiting for me to open it. I should have left that shit closed now that i think of it. Her eyes spoke to me in a language i just couldn’t comprehend. All i did was ask her for one kiss and she made it seem like it was the most impossible task to accomplish. I honestly didn’t think it was that hard. She made it harder than it could have been. I pushed her up against the wall and held her face in my hands. She kept begging to leave but i couldn’t let her. I kept kissing her like how i normally do and she kept fighting me.

I just don’t understand why she would keep fighting me. I made my blood boil. Even thinking about it now makes my skin rot. I honestly just wanted to lock her in here with me until she calmed down. Maybe if i get her horny she would stay. So i kept kissing her. She started to cry. I didn’t mean to make her cry. I continued to kiss her because i felt like the kisses would help but i was wrong. I heard her voice tremble when she said “stop”. It literally almost brought me to my knees. I don’t know what kind of voodoo she did on me when she said that but it broke me. I pulled away and stared her in her eyes like it was the last time i was ever going to see her. She rushed down my staircase barely able to control how her body was moving. But you want to know something? I didn’t even follow her. I could have followed her just to make sure she got home safe. She didn’t even text me to let me know she got home safe. I hated her for that. But when her and i spoke about this situation she told me about how much she threw up and cried. How she didn’t think she would make it home. But honestly that’s how i felt in my own skin. She made me feel homeless again.  From that day on i vowed to never let her leave me unless she was going outside to get us food. I never want to feel that way again. I also planned to never get her that high again…

I just have to control my anger. I have to find other ways to show her i’m scared. She continues to stare up at me. I crouch down to the floor beside her and cry. Seeing her like this again broke me. But she held me. She held me and kissed my body like she always does when I need to be comforted. She told me how much she loved me. We laid on that blue carpet emotionally connecting while clinging to each other like no one else in the world will ever understand us. Which is kind of true because we are both dysfunctional weirdos. We are the most fun though but that’s besides the point. She feared for this to end just as much as i did yet we knew it was unhealthy. As much as i physically abused her she mentally abuses me. We were different sides of the same monster. She was never innocent. Even when it came to sex she was this like young sex god. She put older women to shame but she was never as damaged as i am. I couldn’t keep her here. I couldn’t keep doing this to her. I couldn’t keep letting her do this to me. I pulled away from her embrace and walked over to the closet she kept her cloths. I grabbed her duffle bag and started throwing her cloths in it.
“What are you doing” she said while trying to block me from getting the rest of her cloths. I try to fight back tears. I watch her cry, yell and even slap me. She just ended up standing there after a while. She watched me as if her world was crashing right in front of her.

“What did i do?” she asked me. The thing is she didnt do anything. She didnt do nearly as much as i did to her. I didnt deserve her. I watch mascara, tears and blood drip down her face onto her nude bra. That was honestly kind of sexy.

“FINE FUCK YOU” she yelled. I was hurt but it was okay. She punched me in my back as hard and as many times as she could.

“NO ONE IS EVER GOING TO LOVE YOU” she continues.

“IT WAS JUST ME, IT WAS ALWAYS ME.” she says while pushing me on the bed. She straddles me and keeps kissing my face. I beg her to stop. I shove her but she just keeps coming back.

“WHO IS HONESTLY GOING TO LOVE YOU” she keeps yelling while punching me in my chest.

“ANSWER ME”she says while grabbing my face like how a parent does to their child when he or she wont listen.

I can literally feel the pain crushing her. I feel ever inch of it.

“You know what? okay” she says in the calmest voice.

That chilled me to the core because i never heard this voice before. I never heard her so okay.

She walks out the room and comes back with a knife. She closes the door and locks it behind her. She walks over to my body and straddles me again. She places the knife beneath my chin. She pushes until she feels its close enough to puncture skin. She smiled this smile ive never seen before. It is pretty wicked if you ask me.

“Why” she asks me.

I don’t answer i just stare at her in awe. As much as this is a serious situation it turned me on. I dont think i have ever been this turned on by her. I smile at her and she stares at me in confusion.

“Oh so im a joke” she asks me while cocking her head to the side like a mad women. She places the knife to her wrist and gives me one last look before she attempts to leave this wildlife we live. I shove her as hard as i could. Her arm bleeding partially. I grab a towel and press on it as hard as i could. It doesnt seem to be that deep but now i really understand she is crazy as fuck! She smiled at me once again.

“I love you” she said. That was the first time I ever heard and believed such a taboo phrase. It didnt make me want to have white people sex though but it sure opened me up more.

“I love you too” I say meaning it whole heartily.

I kiss her until we couldn’t handle not being close enough to each other anymore.

As crazy as I am, she matched it. Just in her own insane way. But i lived for her and she lived for me.

Our fragile Wild Hearts couldn’t even survive in this world without each other.

So why try?